Just a heads up — you may want to wash your hands and take some of that zicam stuff that wards off colds after reading this. I’ve got a doozie going. You do not want to catch it.
I was starting to think that this was going to be the year I avoided a nasty cold. No such luck.
Somewhere I read or heard that the same cold is never caught twice. Each cold virus is different. When each specific cold is caught, an immunity is developed and that specific strain will never be caught again. This is why older people don’t catch many colds – they’ve had them all.
That may be an old wives’ tale or urban legend, but I’m going with it. So apparently, I’m not an older person yet, though it sure feels like it.
My colds, no matter which specific virus is in play, follow a specific pattern. They are gravitational, starting high and ending low. They also can go right, left or be ambidextrous.
Let me explain.
My colds can start anytime, anywhere. A little sniffle, quickly followed by a watery eye or eyes. This is where the left, right or ambidextrous part comes in. Sometimes only my left eye waters, sometimes the right eye, sometimes both. The interesting thing about this is the inevitable runny nose goes with the eye-watering left nostril, right nostril or both nostrils.
One-eyed and nostriled colds are bad. Both eyes and nostrils are worse. The absolute worst is the cross-over cold. It starts right, goes left, then switches back to the right.
I’ve got a cross-over cold going right now.
After a day or so of watery eyes and the corresponding runny nostril, gravity takes over. The cold moves to the throat and coughing starts — at first shallow little baby coughs, then deeper regular coughs, then house-rattling-from-the-tip-of-the-big-toes whooping coughs.
We attended a wedding last Saturday and made a point of sitting close to an exit just in case a coughing fit took over during the “I do’s.” The absolute worst way to suppress a cough is to sit in a crowd thinking, “Don’t cough, don’t cough, please don’t cough.”
There are a couple of ways to attack a cold, though it really doesn’t matter; the cold will run its course no matter what.
You can follow the advice of your mother and grandmother. Stay home, drink orange juice, eat chicken soup, cover your mouth when you cough and wait it out. Or you can go with the nuclear option. Go about your daily routine, chug Nyquil and Dayquil, chew cough drops and zicam, all the while hoping to avoid an overdose.
Either way, the cold will last however long it intends to last.
Oh man, did I just sniffle? Is my right eye starting to water? Where’s the Nyquil?
Don’t forget to wash your hands.
CHIP JONES is a lifetime LaPortean, the voice of the Slicers on local radio, and a real estate agent. Contact him at chipjonesmtm@comcast.net.
