Running. I have such a love/hate relationship with it. I wish I was one of those people who just love to run — who are born to run. Why do I do it, then?

janet   Because I love it, I hate it, I love it. It’s true. I hate it — uh, I mean — love it.

   I love how I feel when I finish running. I love how healthy I feel when I run. I love how my body feels the next day after my run. I love the burn in my lungs and the strength in my muscles. I love the pink in my cheeks and the wind in my face. Running makes me feel alive. I especially love it when I cross the finish line.

   I’m not a big fan of treadmill running, but I’m also not a fan of running in the cold and snow. So in the winter, dreadmill, here I come. Yes, I do call it a dreadmill. If I know I have to run, I start dreading it the minute I wake up. You know, the first mile starts way before I actually lace up my shoes. The first mile starts as soon as I wake. It’s on my mind while I get ready for work: “I have to run today. Maybe I won’t run. I think I’ll be too busy to run. My hip hurts; I probably shouldn’t run. I have to run; Berta, my running partner is expecting to run with me. I can’t let her down. Maybe she’ll cancel. Maybe I’ll cancel.” I play this game with myself until I actually take that first step in that run.

   This bad guy in my head doesn’t stop. His name is Enrique. He is not very uplifting. Once I start running, you would think Enrique would quit with the bantering in my head. Oh no — he only gets worse. As I start running, my body seems to move pretty smoothly. “I can do this. Alright — this is great! What a beautiful day. Ahhh, feel the cool air in my lungs! One foot in front of the other; you can do this, Janet. I’m glad Enrique didn’t talk me out of running. I’m glad Berta didn’t cancel on me … what was I thinking wanting to cancel?”

   Then it hits me.

   “Wait a minute … my body is starting to struggle and I can’t breathe. Breathe, Janet, you can do this. Oh no, I can’t! I’m going to stop … don’t stop! I can’t do it … yes, you can! Oh my lungs, they are on fire. I hate this. I’m gonna stop — don’t stop. I can’t catch my breath. Yes you can — breathe. My legs are so heavy; one foot in front of the other. Stand up tall; you can do this. You can do anything. No, I can’t.”

   I watch Berta stride ahead of me. I feel worse. I can’t even keep up with her. Look at her run so easily! I try to focus on the song on my ipod. “Focus on your breathing, Janet.” Enrique picks on me through my entire first mile. My legs are so heavy. Maybe I need new running shoes. No, I just bought new shoes. Supposed to make my running easier — liars.

run

Pursuing Berta and ignoring Enrique, I hit my stride.

   By the second mile, I am starting to find my Zen. I push Enrique aside and I run. I feel alive. I am strong. I can do this. I catch up with Berta. I sing tunes in my head to block out any remains of Enrique.

   By the third mile, Enrique is starting to come back. I wanna stop. “No, you don’t.” Is that a pain in my knee … no, it’s just an excuse. My legs feel tired. I look at my watch to see how fast I’ve run. Enrique tells me it isn’t fast enough. I see the finish line and for some reason, I suddenly want to give up. I’m almost done, but seeing the end makes my body fatigued. “I’m gonna stop. No, I’m not. I will not let Enrique win.” I sprint across the finish line side by side with Berta — not Enrique!

   “Berta, I’ll see you same time tomorrow. Enrique, I’ll talk to you first thing in the morning.”

   I love running!

JANET NEVILLS owns Ladies Fitness Zone in LaPorte, where she teaches Jazzercise, Pilates and Yoga. She is also a Certified Personal Trainer.